Assholes in Space
by foxylikeme
Summary: Four douchebags: a sexually confused togruta scoundrel, a deep voiced ewok jedi named Diggle, a money hoarding generally shitty neimoidian, and a stoic lesbian kaleesh with a god complex. They all accidentally get stuck together and start dicking around the galaxy until they accidentally save it. Set at the start of the Clone Wars


Music swirled through the hot air, distracting the cantina crowd from their grimy surroundings enough to enjoy it. Everyone was tense, eyeing each other while they waited for an excuse to pull out their blasters. This wasn't a place of relaxation. It was of shady smuggling deals, spice trade, and bounty collection. Duros cantinas weren't for leisure, they were for business. The planet, like so many after the start of the Clone Wars, was in turmoil. The separatists pushed for the expulsion of all non-Duro republic citizens from the planet. With this agenda in effect, the sea of faces at the cantina were all similar. Blue and green skin. Big red eyes.

There were a few odd faces. And with the current political climate, they were dangerously out of place. Lounging in the center of the room, a togruta female adorned with frayed rope and worn leather bobbed her head absently to the beat of the music. Her dusty boots propped up on the table as she swallowed large gulps of some infernal liquid. At her feet paced a furry flat faced creature dressed in tattered clothes. No one could tell if he was a strangely intelligent beast or of some primitive unknown race. In a far corner sat a ridiculously conspicuous neimoidian. He wore the robes of someone with status. He was not from Duros even with the striking resemblance his race shares with its people. He suspiciously whipped his head around before checking something on his holopad. By his side stood an impossibly tall and stoic Kaleesh woman. She was motionless and unaffected by the revelry surrounding her. At her side she held a large sheathed exotic blade. All peculiar and all foreign in all the wrong ways.

A group of duro thugs made their entrance known. The culmination of pent up aggression and desperation. The leader hopped onto the bar and shouted, "If you aren't Duro then leave. This planet is ours and if you don't cooperate," The thug whipped out his blaster, "we'll make you reconsider." The cantina emptied quickly. The musicians and most of the patrons filed out. Even if they were Duro, they knew when it was time to scatter. Unfortunately, the group of foreign patrons did not get the cue. The duro thug leader immediately locked eyes with the shifty neimoidian. "YOU." He charged toward a the now flailing man. "You know what we think of your kind, here don't you? Are you crazy or just stupid." The finely dressed neimoidian released a frightened gurgle as the duro thug shook his blaster. Before the situation could escalate, a casual light voice pitched from the center of the room,

" Hey, don't you know it's rude to point that thing at someone's face?" It was the lounging togruta. She still sat barely acknowledging the other duro thugs beginning to surround her. "You could take an eye out if you aren't careful." She smirked as the thug leader crossed the room to her, leaving two of his minions to handle the still unmoved kaleesh and the cowering neimoidian.

He now stood inches from her seat with a blaster trained at her head. "What did you say to me, you horned freak? You republic dog?" She turned her head lazily and kept seated as she spoke,

"I resent the republic dog comment. Say what you will about my appearance but if you compare me to something respectable again, we are gonna have a problem." She stood to face him inches from one another they both glared. Before either could break the standoff a metallic clang and a muffled groan were heard behind the thug leader. He whipped around to see the Kaleesh with her blade buried deep in one of his men. He turned back around to face the togruta. Her eyes narrowed in excitement and her eyebrows raised nonchalantly before shrugging, "I guess we already have a problem." Her blaster was out and fired before he even had the chance to blink.


End file.
